6 Ways you can make bad sex better
So you've met a new guy and he's pretty much perfect. He makes you laugh, he plans great dates, you have loads of fun together - and your friends love him! So far, so good. There's just one problem; what happens between the sheets isn't leaving you burning with desire. Put simply, you're incompatible sexually. Sounds bad, right? Don't worry - turns out, it may not be a total deal breaker.
There's no denying that sex is a big deal - in fact, in a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 50% of women surveyed said that bad sex was a deal breaker in a a relationship (surprisingly, only 44% of men agreed) (1)! So yes, sex is a major part of any healthy relationship - no matter how happy he makes you, if things aren't electric in the bedroom, it's something you'll have to address, sooner or later. But talking about things can help. So how do you broach the subject? You can't just tell your guy (or girl) that they're not doing it for you! Don't stress - we've got 6 ways you can make bad sex better.
#1. Work out the problem
First, you'll need to figure out exactly what's making you incompatible sexually. What are a few of the most common reasons? Perhaps one of you has a kink and the other is reluctant to give it a go. Maybe your libidos aren't matched - or perhaps one of you has more experience in the bedroom than the other. Often a lack of communication is a major issue - maybe he thinks because his last partner liked something, you will too! Working out why the chemistry is off is the first step towards fixing it.
#2. Have 'the talk'
Not a text, email or whats app message - a face-to-face talk with your partner about your sexual likes and dislikes is what's required here. At the end of the day, if you don't feel comfortable doing this, then you shouldn't be having sex with this person! But don't wait until the two of you are between the sheets to bring the subject up. The best time to talk about it is when you're both relaxed - for example whilst you're eating dinner or relaxing on the sofa. It's important that you keep the chat positive too, so rather than opening with, "I hate when you do x" start with, "I really love it when you do x and want you to do it more often." This makes it easier to add, "But I don't really like x so much." This way your chat is less ego-crushing! One word of warning though - don't bring up things that your partner can't change. If your guy has an issue with premature ejaculation, or is less well-endowed than you'd like, keep these thoughts to yourself. Complaining about these things can crush his self-confidence, which could make your sex life worse.
#3. Make a list
Not a to-do list, but a list which can help you work out your sexual compatibility issues. Create an 'Always, Never, Sometimes' list - one for each of you. The idea is that you write down things you always like, things you are willing to try or like now and again, and activities you never want to try in the bedroom. When you share these with your partner, you'll be able to spot where your desires match up - and where they don't.
#4. Don't be worried about offending him
Yes, it can be tricky to talk about sexual issues with your partner, whether you're in the first flushes of a new relationship or very much in love. And yes, even if you keep the chat positive, your partner could still take offence. So it's important to remember that both you and your other half have equal rights to be sexually satisfied and happy in your relationship. You have the right to bring up any issues that are bothering you - sexual or otherwise. So try not to worry too much about offending your partner!
#5. Be prepared for compromise
Your ASN lists could reveal some shocking truths - maybe there's something your partner is really into that you're just not down for, ever - or vice versa. Sex is about both partners - so you may need to compromise to keep your partner happy sometimes. A good analogy is this - if your partner hates cauliflower but you love it, you probably make their favourite dish without it! You can add some to your plate after serving, if you like, but accommodating their preferences helps to keep them happy!
#6. Bring in the experts
There are times you might need help from a sex therapist - and that's ok. Maybe your libido has vanished, or your partner is suffering from performance anxiety. Seeing a certified therapist can really help you to get to the root of underlying problems, which means better sex!
You don't have to put up with bad sex - it might be something you're able to work out, or you two might not be meant for each other. These tips will help you get to the bottom of any issues in the bedroom. We hope you can work it out!
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